Puns for Educated Minds
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
These “PUNS”… are … all for your entertainment – – – – – just a little…. “Food for Thought!”
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“On this day of your life,
Mary Ellen, I believe God wants you to know…
…that change cannot be avoided in life. So do not
resist change, embrace it.
Life is changing all the time — and certainly the
day-to-day conditions on our planet are changing
now in ways we could not have expected — so the
fact of change is real, and very present.
Our invitation from life is to not let changes get us
down, but to lift ourselves up, and move past them.”
The above message… just seems to apply for anyone … and as I was letting the thoughts of it – sink into my brain – – just thought others would like the same message – as in our WORLD, today everything is on a “snow-ball rolling down the hill” change – that it seems – that – there is only one question – “WHO can stop this … and when???
So, it looks like we need to suit ourselves up – in some kind of stronger armor – and have ourselves in the correct position – that whatever change comes – we can do our part – so as not to find that we are buried under the heap lazy non- doers! Since there is no …one and only – “Super-Man” – to come to the rescue of this planet, EARTH – – looks like we need to unite and be gathered together with the strength that the Almighty gave us – use it to make NEW changes – that will protect us from those forces – – that think – that they can divide this United States of America.
When…there is a need for change – – why do we let only a few – just come up with what they might like for themselves – and then try to force all the COUNTRY…to immediately accept it??? There is a time and a place for some changes – but …why some drastic changes – that – have not proved to be “GOOD” for all – in fact some change – – that is only good for some – why do we not all sleep on these new ideas – to see how they will or will not benefit the greater good of all? Why the big rush for changes – some of these people wanting some of these changes – are they going to live on EARTH – forever – to enjoy???
For some reason or the other – I thought that this EARTH – was here for all to share and take good care of…the care we give it – will benefit the next generation and that following – forever. None of us can take with us …anything more – than we came here with??? So…maybe I missed a day at school – a long time ago… if you were there that day… that – they taught something different and better… than I was taught – “Hey – let me know???”
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“The next time you have a thought that this country should go to WAR, please stop and read this!!
Even better, have your children and grandchildren read it!!
The author just passed, but will surely be remembered!!
GUEST-WORDS: By E.L. Doctorow
The Unfeeling President
I fault this president for not knowing what death is. He does not suffer the death of our 21-year-olds who wanted to be what they could be. On the eve of D-Day in 1944 General Eisenhower prayed to God for the lives of the young soldiers he knew were going to die. He knew what death was. Even in a justifiable war, a war not of choice but of necessity, a war of survival, the cost was almost more than Eisenhower could bear.
But this president does not know what death is. He hasn’t the mind for it. You see him joking with the press, peering under the table for the weapons of mass destruction he can’t seem to find, you see him at rallies strutting up to the stage in shirt sleeves to the roar of the carefully screened crowd, smiling and waving, triumphal, a he-man.
He does not mourn. He doesn’t understand why he should mourn. He is satisfied during the course of a speech written for him to look solemn for a moment and speak of the brave young Americans who made the ultimate sacrifice for their country.
<snip> They come to his desk not as youngsters with mothers and fathers or wives and children who will suffer to the end of their days a terribly torn fabric of familial relationships and the inconsolable remembrance of aborted life . . . they come to his desk as a political liability, which is why the press is not permitted to photograph the arrival of their coffins from Iraq.
<snip> The president we get is the country we get. With each president the nation is conformed spiritually. He is the artificer of our malleable national soul… He becomes the face of our sky, the conditions that prevail. How can we sustain ourselves as the United States of America given the stupid and ineffective warmaking, the constitutionally insensitive lawgiving, and the monarchal economics of this president? He cannot mourn but is a figure of such moral vacancy as to make us mourn for ourselves.
For this next election, we Americans sure have much to think about, “WHY” must we always pay the ultimate price, our using the “YOUNG LIFE” of the men and women serving in the Armed Forces to protect America??? D.V.
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Sometimes …maybe not in society today…but- yesterday – there was always one person – who would rule the roost! In the Brady Family it was Irene Brady. When the “FAMILY” was all boys – and then one little girl shows up – well – you know that everyone is going to think that “she” is the “Queen” and – all through her Life – that is what our Aunt Irene Brady Riley – thought she was.
If I remember correctly – at the time or very near the time for “Irene” to be born – one of the “BRADY” clan that came over from Ireland …had won a lot of money on a “HORSE’ and the name of this winner horse…”IRENE” – so naturally little baby Irish girl – became a “Winner” with the perfect name “IRENE!”
All is well in the “BRADY FAMILY” – the older boys are married and leave home and then … we have another little baby girl – this will be number 13 and the end of the line. At first …everyone thought that this new baby girl, MARIE – was the daughter of the eldest brother JAMES BRADY…surely old Mrs. Thomas BRADY was way past her years of having any more children??? But soon – everything came to a normal as usual order and LIFE continues peaceably – for awhile???
Little Marie is at home with older sister Irene – and the parents – now that the parents are getting older and will be needy more care – who will that person be??
Irene is old enough to get married and move out – and may as well – so that way everyone will expect little Marie – to just grow into the home keeper for the older parents – as in those days – there was no government insurance and no homes suitable for the old folks
What a rousing development – Irene gets married! Irene has a moving truck pull up to the “BRADY HOME” – and the large and swanky piano and all of the prize possessions in the “HOME”…those that Irene thought that she was entitled to – all move to her home!. I’m guessing that Irene was so used to having everything her way – that even on moving out – she thought she still “ruled the roost” at the old “BRADY” homestead.
There was only one piece of music that Irene could really play on the piano – and that was, “I Love You Truly” – as she also had a music box that played that same song… – and of course…today – I have that old silver music box …and it still plays…”I Love You Truly!”
Well…everything that Irene took – and without permission… had to be returned! This was probably when some of the friction started – between the two sisters …– as Irene always seem to have a strong controlling type of authority over all of the FAMILY. She was also very strict with her very own son, little Bernie.
For some reason… or the other… and this may have started – way back and when in the ORPHANAGE…that whenever something was going on – and I was a part of the conversation… I almost and without even giving it a second thought – I would have the last word. Whatever and for no good reason – this would continue – even to when I would be visiting – Aunt Irene at her home???
Aunt Irene called this problem … of mine – to my attention – once when we were in the bedroom of her house – she was giving me some clothes – and as I was trying them on – to see if I wanted them – we were talking. Of course – when I am talking – and someone has something to say – – well I like to continue the thought process and conversation going – unless it is time for me to leave or for me to just move on …but on this one occasion – Aunt Irene – just seem to want me to have “it” and all four barrels full!
This “time” – I think Aunt Irene was going to see to it – that for anyone else that she could not say some type of harsh and crucible stuff to – this was the time to make up for not being able to “Discipline” the whole world…specially any and all of the FAMILY – that she thought needed some very strict correction!
I did receive a thorough “tongue” lashing – as never before – and …as I always do – I did have to say… and – long after she was done – “this I will remember and forever!” – – – Well…that was the straw that really was too much – Aunt Irene – blurted out…”You still have to get the LAST WORD!” – “YES!”
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When – one takes the time to think back over all the years that they have known Aunt Irene – well… there are all kinds of things – that just start popping into one’s mind!
Just from the thoughts about the memory of what was written for and about “yesterday” – saving a dime or two – when you would be going by “BUS” somewhere – and then if you were to be sure to remember… to get a “Transfer Ticket” – well – then …you could figure out – “how can I go in to that direction – and still use the same “Transfer Ticket” to continue on to the final destination???”
Way back and when I was going to “HIGH SCHOOL” – my Aunt Irene would call me the night before – that – she would want – for me to stop by her apartment – as she would have something for either me or for my MOTHER? When you are a teenager and have lots of “get up and go” – as I did… I sure did not mind going here and there – even though – sometimes – that “which” I was doing and going after – to me ended up as totally not worth any of my time??
On this one occasion… someone in the apartment building – a young lady who modeled shoes – was allowed to keep some of the “sample” shoes that she modeled – and “her” size was the same as mine… so – – – My good Aunt Irene collected a few boxes of these “sample type” shoes – since …and I’m guessing… she thought that I would like and wear these shoes??? Well… that was not to be the case!
When …I made my way home via the public “Bus” transportation way – with a couple of transferring connections – that is on and off one “BUS” and on and off another “BUS” – and having to carry a few shoe boxes – in addition to my armful of school books… I sort of had enough of a “good” thing! Naturally, the first thing when – I got home – was to see what was so “special” about these shoes??
In most homes… no problem with their young daughters wearing “High Heel” shoes??? And …don’t forget “FREE” shoes – to boot! Well, I sure did not know before this… but – and …when my MOTHER was much younger – and early in the marriage – she miss-carried – falling down the stairs, as her high heel shoes caught on something? I did not believe her… so she showed me the shoes – – as these were so nice – but a constant reminder – that the shoes that you think are nice – could kill you!
Well, the shoes were nice and I did manage to keep “one” pair – but the rest… I took and sold to a “Second-Hand Dealer” on Florissant Road and the side street near the “Public School” – just a couple of blocks west of North Grand Avenue. Every so often, Aunt Irene would give to me something that someone in the apartment building was getting rid of – an item that was probably still good and or useful – for something or someone – so…as long as I knew where I could take the items and collect some amount of cash – well… that’s the name of the game! “Right??”… “Right!”…
Back then… there were quite a few “second-hand” stores around and I’m guessing – those were the days when people were getting new stuff – but after purchasing – did not have the nerve to return to the place where purchased – and so a few bucks back at the ‘second-hand store was better than nothing at all??
Now… and just thinking – Aunt Irene and I probably kept a lot of “second-hand” stores in business!
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If you want small children to learn something “NEW” and “never – ever” forget it – be sure that they are under the age of seven (7) years of age – and make sure…you are having “FUN” – – – since small children remember those times when they are having more FUN …and the adults are having just as much FUN… with them!
During the early 1940s – – and WWII was also in full swing – that is when everybody was doing their part in trying to help … with the WAR effort – that is even our Aunt Irene – – she was saving – since she would go to the downtown – Saint Louis – department stores – do her ordering and making arrangement for the merchandise to be sent out to her home.
Tuesday – that was the day – as Famous Barr stores gave double “Eagle Stamps” – and by saving on your purchases – well… everyone knows – you then have something for that “raining day” spending.
So… on Tuesdays – when getting on the BUS to come back home – Aunt Irene would be sure to get a “Transfer Ticket” so that she could catch the next BUS – that is after having made a stop … at our house. Aunt Irene would be at our house before noon – and sometimes even had lunch with us. Then, she would always sit at my Mother’s sewing machine and either be making something for me or do some mending.
My two brothers and I would be standing around her as she would always have so much to say… but on this one occasion she taught us a “NEW SONG” that was very popular at the time on the radio. This “song” had words that – when you sang them a little fast and to the music as she did – you really didn’t know what you were singing – because it sure did sound “funny to your ears” and that was the whole idea of this song – – a play on the words – and as a little kid – I did not realize that then, and not until I was working for the “Telephone Company” and I was working on the night shift.
We – that is – just a few workers – on the “night shift” and sometimes – so few calls coming through for assistance – that we “girls” had some spare time to talk about all kinds of silly stuff – which lead me to asking “Big MARY” – as she was a singer for some organizations on the side – I had ask her if she knew this old song and if she knew all the words???
““Mares eat oats, and “Does” eat oats, and Little Lambs eat ivy – a Kid will eat ivy too, Wouldn’t you? — If the words sound queer and funny to your ears — a little bit Jumbly and Jivey, sing – etc., — you could go on with this forever.”“
The words above are the correct words – but the way that I was singing them to “Big Mary” – well – she sure let me in on the whole song – the way – I should say – the correct way to sing this song – and that with the correct words – and sung fast … well that is where …the Jumbly and Jivey …do their thing.
I am guessing that this learning lesson came about when I was re-hired by the “Telephone Company” for the third or fourth time – as I had worked for them five (5) different times – Oh – almost forgot – I may have been in my 30’s … – took all that time to learn the correct and coolest words to an old song – that our “Aunt Irene”… taught us three little kids… in maybe 1944???
Try singing those words and see if you don’t remember that old song – and then try to forget it – – That is one “old” song that just hangs on in the “memory bank” – forever!!!
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