“You need this pain!!”… from Brother Tom

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?  Yes, we arson.

 

She was only a moonshiner’s daughter, but I miss her still.

 

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

 

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

 

Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

 

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

 

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

 

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

 

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

 

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

 

My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.

 

I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

 

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t “c” in the dark.

 

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

 

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

 

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.

 

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

 

I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

 

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

 

What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

 

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

 

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

 

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. ‘It’s all about raisin awareness.


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