Grandma’s Stories

They’re  Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:             

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.  

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Scouts  are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The  sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’The sermon tonight:’Searching for Jesus.’

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Ladies,  don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Don’t  let worry kill you off – let the Church help.

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Miss  Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For  those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next  Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Irving  Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A  bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At  the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight  new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please  place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The  church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck  supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

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The  ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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This  evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

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The  pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Low  Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

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The  eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

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Weight  Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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And  this one just about sums them all up

 

The  Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:  “ I  Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”